Hearding Cats PodFic
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In truth, there were no bushes. In fact, the girl muttering the completely fictitious narrative sentence was perched behind an unusually large tea kettle, peering over its lid at a cotton candy imp, who was completely oblivious to her presence.
With that, the girl dramatically vaulted over the top of the tea kettle, sending the lid flying into a bank of little cubes. The imp turned to face its assailant, but before it could begin to act, the girl had brought down her claws through it.
GC: S1MPL3
GC: W3 D3L1B3R4T3LY CR34T3 4 BR4NCH
GC: 1LL FL1P 4 CO1N 4ND T3LL YOU TH3 R3SULT
GC: 1F 1TS H34DS YOU GO TO TH3 4LPH4 T1M3L1N3 4ND H4NG OUT FOR 4 WH1L3
GC: 4ND 1F 1TS SCR4TCH YOU SW34R N3V3R TO TRY TO HOP TO 4NOTH3R T1M3L1N3
GC: TH3N 31TH3R W4Y YOU TR4V3L B4CK TO R1GHT 4FT3R 1 C4LL3D 1T
GC: "UGH Y3S"
GC: TH4TS PR3TTY MUCH TH3 SUMM4RY OF YOUR R3L4T1ONSH1P 1SNT 1T
GC: D --> 4R4D14 DO3S TH1S ROBOT BODY 100K 4%3PT4BL3 TO YOU
GC: UGH Y3S
GC: D --> 4R4D14 W1LL YOU K1SS M3 NOW
GC: UGH Y3S
GC: D --> 4R4D14 W1LL YOU PL34S3 SL4P M3 4 L1TTL3 H4RD3R
GC: UGH Y3S
The furocious huntress stalks silently through the bushes, closely observing her purrey
"But I can't! You don't understand! If I just kiss him, he'll think I'm weird, and things will get all awkward between us and he'll never speak to me again!"
CT: D --> Of course I do
CT: D --> But as your superior, it is my e%c100sive responsibility to give you orders
CT: D --> But I respe% you enough that I do not wish to give you an order you are uncomfortable with
CT: D --> I'm not tr001y certain
CT: D --> In truth, our relationship has always been strained
CT: D --> I've come to e%pect her to be distant and a100f with me
CT: D --> But recently she has been even more so than usual
TC: NaH, sIsTeR, i GeT wHeRe YoU'rE mOtHeRfUcKiN cOmIn OuT oF.
TC: CaN't Be AlL tHaT mAnY mOtHeRfUcKeRs GeTtIn ThEiR fLuSh OuT oN a MiRtHfUl MoThErFuCkEr LiKe Me.
TC: EvErYbOdY's AlL gOt ThEiR oWn ReLaTiOnShIpS aNd ShIt To AlL mOtHeRfUcKiN wOrRy ArOuNd.
TC: MeAnWhIlE i'M jUsT gEtTiN mY mOtHeRfUcKiN cHiLl Up HeRe OuT oF mY mOtHeRfUcKiN hIvE, sIpPiN fAyGo AnD mAkIn A fEw PiEs.
TC: Aw MaN, eQuIuS iS dEfInItElY a ChOiCe BrO.
TC: We ShOoT tHe ShIt AlL tHe MoThErFuCkIn TiMe, SiStEr.
TC: He'S aLwAyS cOmIn At Me On HiS fEeLiNgS aNd ShIt, TrYiN tO mAkE sEnSe AbOuT tHe HeMoSpEcTrUm AnD aLl ThAt NoIsE.
TC: I dOn'T kNoW iF i WaNt To Be KiSsIn AfTeR tHe DuDe, ThOuGh.
TC: I'd JuSt Be Up FoR hAvIn A nIcE mOtHeRfUcKiN sIt DoWn AnD jAmMiN a BiT wItH hIs FeElInGs AnD sHiT.
FCC: )(ey -Eridan.
FCC: I'm R-E-ELY )(APPY for you! And I'm glad you found anot)(er morayeel!
FCC: And I )(ope t)(ings go SWIMMINGLY for you two!
CC: W)(ale, t)(e t)(ing is...
CC: T)(is is going to sound )(orrible of me, but...
CC: After everyt)(ing )(e put me t)(roug)( as )(is moirail, it's INCR-EDIBLY )(ard not to resent )(im for it.
CC: I mean, I looked after )(im for SW-E-EPS, and it was like )(e didn't even care about me!
CC: No matter )(ow )(ard I tried to crack )(is s)(ell, )(e was ALWAYS walling me out wit)( )(is endless emotional t)(eatrics!
PAT: wELL, i DON'T WANT TO GET TOO HORNOGRAPHIC,
PAT: bUT SEVERAL FIST BUNPS WERE HAD,
PAT: aND A PILE MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN INVOLVED,
PAT: yEAH, i SHOULD PROBABLY GO, tOO
PAT: vRISKA'S PROBABLY GOING TO BE FUMING ABOUT sOLLUX SOON,
PAT: sO i'LL NEED TO, uH,
PAT: cALM HER DOWN ABOUT THAT,
FTA: the problem ii2 ii'm fiine the way my 2hiips are riight now.
FTA: and ii don't want 2ome crazy roleplayiing broad wreckiing my liife iin the name of her weiird real liife fanfiiction 2hiit.
FTA: haha wow, ed'2 accu2iing ME of beiing iin2ecure.
FTA: 2eriiou2ly, iit'2 liike you pulled thii2 argument 2traiight from the defiiniitiion of hypocrii2y.
FTA: ju2t fliipped through the diictiionary untiil you found a piicture of your2elf, de2perately clutchiing a paiir of goggle2.
ive been maintaining a private bulletin b0ard t0 serve as an archive 0f inf0rmation useful t0 myself and by myself i mean every instance 0f myself in this and all 0ther extant timelines
s0 if i expl0de in the alpha timeline ill have a n0n d00med aradia t0 replace me immediately
and if i c0me back safely there will be tw0 0f me
but 0ne 0f them will c0me fr0m a pr0perly d00med timeline and thus alm0st immediately expl0de
and whichever 0ne survives will indicate the pr0per c0urse 0f acti0n
CCG: THAT IS SO FUCKING STUPID, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT.
CCG: NOW I'VE GOT TO MARCH IN PERFECT FUCKING LOCKSTEP WITH THESE MEMOS IF I EVER WANT TO RESPOND TO THEM?
CCG: YOU KNOW, NORMALLY THAT WOULD BE A COMPLETELY ACCURATE ASSESSMENT OF MY REACTION TO THIS.
CCG: MY SHIT WOULD DEFINITELY BE SIMULTANEOUSLY RISING AND ROTATING IN AN EXTREMELY AGITATED MANNER.
CCG: EXCEPT THAT FOR THE PAST WEEK, YOU ASSHOLES HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY FUCKING NEGLECTING YOUR IN-GAME DUTIES SO THAT YOU COULD WASTE MY TIME TALKING ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS
CCG: SO I'M KIND OF FUCKING RESERVING JUDGMENT FOR NOW.
GA: Okay Look
GA: Lets Just Say From Now On
GA: Whenever You Ask Me For Something Like A Normal Troll Well Both Assume Youre Issuing Me An Order With A Trivially Met Escape Clause
GA: And Likewise Whenever I Ask You For Something Well Both Assume Im Simply Making A Humble Request As Your Inferior That Is By No Means Binding In Any Way Whatsoever
GA: Does That Sound Acceptable To You
GA: I Love The Sound Of Her Voice When She Speaks Without Pretense
GA: And I Love The Way She Smiles When She Does So Earnestly
GA: And I Love That I Can Make Her Laugh And Smile And Speak To Me So Sweetly Simply By Being Myself Without Even Having To Try
GA: And I Love That When Im With Her She Seems To Become A Different Person
GA: Not A Better Person But Perhaps A More Loveable Person
GA: And I Love That When Were Alone Together She Utterly Submits Herself To Me And I Utterly Devote Myself To Her And We Almost Seem To Become A Single Consciousness Sharing Two Bodies
AG: Hahahahahahahaha, fair enough.
AG: All told, though, it was incredi8ly productive!
AG: I got this 8ig em8arrassing issue off my chest, and we agreed on a way to possi8ly allevi8 it!
AG: Just two of the palest of palem8es, doing their moiraily thing!
AG: No, seriously! 8efore we got together, I didn't know the first thing a8out 8eing a moirail.
AG: Everything I knew, I picked up from Kanaya, and it's 8ecoming increasingly o8vious that she was never quite the palest of palem8es.
AG: Not that I'm mad or anything. I wouldn't trade our time together for anything in the world.
AG: Except may8e a chance to 8e m8sprits sooner.
CCA: tavv i appreciate your concern and all but i think ivve got this under fuckin control
CCA: wwere in full detox mode ovver here
CCA: pretty much goin straight up cold featherbeast
CCA: evven drained the slime outta the fuckin recuperacoon
CCA: yeah vvris
CCA: i mean gam an ivve been jammin all night ovver here
CCA: ok shit wwhen i say it that wway it sounds dirty
CCA: but seariously its not a huge deal