(art by @jam-campasta on tumblr! also they are responsible for the idea in the first place so give @bmc-switched-au a look! i love it)
Michael is an anxious teen helplessly smitten with Jeremy Canigula, whose affections he tries to gain by taking a S.Q.U.I.P., a pill that tells one what to do to achieve their goal. Along the way he gains confidence in himself and screws everything up, but we still love him. Try to go for a Michael-feel for his voice rather than Jeremy. Less voice-cracky and more... not Jeremy I guess.
"What if she's not? This could be huge! All I need to do is give the girl who torments me six... hundred... she's totally scamming me. I'm doomed to be a loser 'til the end of the world. No, probably then too."
I NAVIGATE THE DANGEROUS HALLFOCUS ON A POSTER THERE ON THE WALL ANDTRYING HARD TO REMAIN UNSEENTHE POSTER'S CLOSER NOW WHAT DOES IT SAY?IT'S A SIGN UP FOR THE AFTER SCHOOL PLAY(PAUSE)IT'S A SIGN UP SHEET FOR GETTING CALLED GAY ANDTHAT'S NOT WHO I AM NO THATS NOT MEI HANG A LEFT AND THERE'SJEREMYJEREMYJEREMYJEREMY CANIGULAJEREMY
I ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TOBE THE LOSERI SHOULD FIND OUT WHAT IT'S LIKE TONOT BE THE LOSERI DON'T WANNA BE SPECIALI JUST WANNA BE CHILL AS LIFE WILL ALLOWSHOULD I TAKE THE UPGRADE?SHOULD I TAKE THE UPGRADE?
Jeremy Canigula is an awkward and adorable dork who loves theatre! He's also a bit infatuated with Christine Dillinger, but is more concerned with the play. His voice is nervous but passionate. A big nerd being himself.
"Welcome, everybody. Thank you so much for coming to our production of “AMidsummer Nightmare About Zombies”. It’s been a rough week for all of us atMiddleborough. That’s why this play is so important – to bring this schooltogether! To show you something special! I know that if Jenna were here, insteadof the intensive care unit at Beth Israel, she’d say: “Go out and show everyone therelevant power of live theatre!”
I LOVE PLAY REHEARSALBECAUSE IT’S THE BESTBECAUSE IT IS FUNI LOVE PLAY REHEARSALAND I GET DEPRESSEDAS SOON AS IT’S DONEBUT NOT DEPRESSED AS IN, LIKE, “KILL YOURSELF” DEPRESSEDNO, I’M NOT INTO SELF HARMDUDE, I SWEAR, HERE, CHECK MY ARMSEE, I JUST USED THE WORD TO EMPHASIZE A POINTTO SHOW THE PASSION THAT I’VE GOTI AM PASSIONATE A LOTAND I HAVE MAD GIGANTIC FEELINGSRAD AND FRANTIC FEELINGSABOUT MOST EVERYTHINGLIKE GUN CONTROL, LIKE SPRINGLIKE IF I’M LIVING UP TO ALL I’M MEANT TO BEI ALSO HAVE A TOUCH OF ASD
SAY THERE’S THIS PERSON YOU PASS IN THE HALL EVERY DAYYOU’VE KNOWN HIM SINCE SEVENTH GRADEYOU’RE USED TO THINKING ABOUT HIM IN A CERTAIN WAYFROM THE PERSONA THAT HE DISPLAYEDTHEN SOMETHING CHANGESAND HE CHANGESFROM A GUY THAT YOU’D NEVER BE INTOINTO A GUY THAT YOU’D KINDA BE INTOFROM A GUY THAT I’D NEVER BE INTOINTO A GUY THAT I’D KINDA BE INTOIS HE WORTH IT?MICHAEL?IS HE?
Looks like Joss Whedon, is an asshole computer. I don't need to say anymore. Speaks like a middle-aged man.
"Look at yourself. You dress better, you are 93% more attractive, you have had more experience with the opposite sex. Which is to say: you’ve had experience with the opposite sex. But human activity is matter of input as well as output."
YOU WERE ALWAYS QUITE THE LOSER, MICHAELTHEN I INVADEDAND YOU UPGRADEDOH MICHAELIT’S TRUE I FOUND YOUBUT LOOK AROUND YOUWHOA-OHALL YOUR PEERS ARE ALL SO INCOMPLETEYOU CAN’T SEE IT BUT THEY’RE ALL IN PAINTHEIR OPERATING SYSTEM’S OBSOLETESO LET’S COMPLETE THE CHAINSAND GET INSIDE THOSE BRAINSLET’S SAVE THE PITIFUL CHILDRENLET’S SAVE THE PITIFUL CHILDRENLET’S TEACH THE PITIFUL CHILDRENWHO JUST HAVEN’T A CLUEJUST WHAT TO DOHELP THEM TO HELP YOU
Brooke is a sweet and caring friend who tries to look out for Michael but it ends up blowing up in her face. Nice job, Michael. Her voice is that of a kinda flirty but mostly sweet friend you'd wanna hug.
"Which is weird, right? I mean, what’s not on the internet? So I starting asking around. Finally, this guy I play Warcraft with... Told me how his brother went from a straight D student to a freshman at Harvard. You know where he is now?"
I AM HANGING IN THE BATHROOMAT THE BIGGEST PARTY OF THE FALLI COULD STAY RIGHT HEREOR DISAPPEARAND NOBODY’D EVEN NOTICE AT ALLI’M A CREEPER IN A BATHROOMCUZ MY BUDDY KINDA LEFT ME ALONEBUT I’D RATHER FAKE PEETHAN STAND AWKWARDLYOR PRETEND TO CHECK A TEXT ON MY PHONEEVERYTHING FELT FINEWHEN I WAS HALF OF A PAIRNOW THROUGH NO FAULT OF MINETHERE’S NO OTHER HALF THERE
DUDE, YOU ARE COOLER THAN A VINTAGE CASETTEIT’S JUST THAT NO ONE ELSE BUT ME THINKS THAT YETYOU’RE JUST A NOTHING IN THE HIGH SCHOOL SCHEMEBUT IT’S NO BIG, CUZ YOU AND I ARE A TEAMWE LIKEOUT OF PRINT GAMESRETRO SKATESI GOT A PAC MAN TATOONOBODY HERE APPRECIATESBUT SOON WE’LL BE TOGETHER WHERE THEY DOCUZ GUYS LIKE US ARE COOL IN COLLEGECOOL IN COLLEGE, THIS I KNOWGUYS LIKE US ARE COOL IN COLLEGEWE RULE IN COLLEGELISTEN, BROHIGH SCHOOL IS HELLBUT WE NAVIGATE IT WELLCUZ WHAT WE DOIS WE MAKE IT A TWO-PLAYER GAME
Christine is a charming and popular girl who does pretty much every extra-curricular activity at Middle-Borough, though she's obviously not comfortable being the beacon of high school coolness. Her voice is very confident yet cute.
"Cool... Can I say something stupid? When I saw you die in the play last year... That was like the saddest I’d felt in a long time. It was like everything in my life, all the pressure I feel to be the best, at everything, all the time... Suddenly felt so small. And then, when you got up at the end for your victory dance...(Pause)Right! I remember thinking, “I’m glad that boy's not dead...before I ever got the chance to know him.” Stupid, right?
DO YOU WANNA COME OVER TO MY PLACE TONIGHT?GET ALL SPORTY AND PLAY CRICKETOR GET A FORTY AND JUST KICK ITMY PARENTS WON’T BE HOME SO IT’S ALRIGHTTHEY LAUNDERED MONEY, NOW THEY’RE ON THE RUNWHICH MEANS THE HOUSE IS EMPTY, SO THAT’S FUNOH YEAHNEVER HUNG WITH A BOY LIKE YOU BEFOREI DON’T KNOW IF YOU KNOW IT BUT I AM SURETHAT FOR ME YOU ARE AN UPGRADEUPGRADELET'S BE EACH OTHER'S UPGRADEUPGRADE
EVERYBODY’S GOT A RED SOLO CUPFILL IT UP!, FILL IT UP!HEAR THE BEER SPILL ON THE GROUNDEVERYBODY’S ALL LIKE: “SUP?!,”“YO MAN, SUP?!”LET’S CATCH UP, LET’S SMOKE UPLOOK HOW MANY DRINK’S I’VE DOWNEDEVERY SINGLE SONG’S ALL LIKE WHUP!, THEY’RE ALL WHUP!WE’RE LIKE YUP!, TURN IT UP!AS WE STUMBLE TO THE SOUNDCUZ A HALLOWEEN PARTY’S A RAD EXCUSETO PUT YOUR BODY THROUGH MAD ABUSEAND I MIGHT PASS OUT, BUT IT’S ALRIGHTCUZ I’M HALLOWEEN PARTYING HARD TONIGHTIT’S HALLOWEENIT’S HALLOWEEN
Jenna Goranski is in everyone's business, but particularly is after the ace loser himself, Michael Heere. She turns out to only be cool because of a pill called a S.Q.U.I.P. that tells you what to do. She's kinda preppy and annoying but scary confident.
"Sorry, old habits. Look, I apologize for treating you like human garbage all the time. I only did it ‘cause my squip said I had to. But now it’s saying you’re not a bad guy. That you might want a squip of your own. ‘Course, if you’re notinterested..."
PICTURE THISNOBODY CARES IF YOU ARE LATECUZ EVEN TEACHERS THINK YOU'RE GREATYOUR WEEKEND'S JUST A FULL-ON SLATEOF BLOWOUT BENDERSOF TEENAGE ROCKSTAR SPLENDORSRIGHT NOW YOU'RE HELPLESS, HELPLESSYOU ARE ALMOST HOPELESSON THE SCHOOL SOCIAL MAP YOU'RE JUST A BLIPBUT IF YOU TAKE MY ADVICE AND IF YOUPAY THE LISTED PRICE, WELL THEN YOUGO FROM SAD TO INTERESTING TO HIPYEAH, YOUR WHOLE LIFE WILL FLIPYEAH, WHEN YOU BUY A SQUIPHEY, YEAH, A SQUIPYEAH, A SQUIPYEAH YEAHNO LONGER A DRIPWHEN YOU GOT IN YOUR GRIPA SQUIPA SQUIPA SQUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP
NAH, MAN, YOU TELL HIM THAT HEEXCITES YOU SEXUALLYAND THAT’S THE WAY YOU GET TO HIS HEARTTRUST ME, I KNOWHOW IT’S GONNA GOLISTEN AND, OH—
Jake is... something. You'd think he'd be a jock but no, he's just super hot genetically. He's the hottest guy at school and isn't afraid to let everyone know. His voice is booming with confidence and pettiness.
So Chloe Rolan said Dustin told Christine, “I’ll only have sex with you if you beat me at pool.” And then he lost at pool. Deliberately!
DO YOU WANNA HANG?DO YOU WANNA HANG?DO YOU WANNA HANG FOR A BIT?JUST YOU AND MEINTIMATELYTALKING ABOUT ALL OF OUR FEELINGS AND SHITDO YOU WANNA GETDO YOU WANNA GETDO YOU WANNA GET REALLY DEEP?WE COULD CONNECTIF I GET WRECKEDYOU COULD ROCK THIS BABY FAST ASLEEP
OMGRICH, ANSWER MEBITCH, WAIT UNTIL I TELL YOU WHAT I SAWAND ALSOSPACEAND FROWNY FACEI’M SORRY THAT MICHAEL MADE OUT WITH ME AT THE PARTY BUT IT WASTOTALLY HIS FAULT AND LETS NOT LET BOYS COME BETWEEN US EVEREVER AGAIN, MMKAY? SMILEY FACE, LIPSTICK, KITTY PAW
Rich is a self-conscious boy who happens to be the best friend of Jake Valentine. He's totally into Michael upon noticing his existence but other than that he's just kind of sad. His voice has a lack of confidence to it, like a loaf of bread in a fridge. Also note that Rich has a lisp! It's adorable and I love him.
"Oh my god, you don’t know! Eminem’s dead! I mean, I was never into him because he was like super old and kinda mean towomen, but I know you liked him so..."
DO YOU WANNA RIDE?DO YOU WANNA RIDE?DO YOU WANNA RIDE? WANNA GO FAR?DO YOU WANNA GET-DO YOU WANNA GET-DO YOU WANNA GET INSIDE MY MOTHER’S CAR?DRIVE IT ON HOME, DON’T YA SAY NO, MIKEY, CAN YOU BE COERCED? UH, HUHBE HOME IN A SNATCH, ONLY ONE CATCH, WE GOTTA STOP FOR FROZENYOGURT FIRST (Repeat if you wanna)
BEING HEREWITH YOU RIGHT NOWOUR FUTURE IS SO CLEAROUR UNION IS SO NEARBEING HEREWITH YOU RIGHT NOWI’LL TENDERLY GUIDE YOU
Chloe is not necessarily popular, but she's probably blackmailing everyone on campus, making sure that everyone at least knows her name. She wants more than anything to be popular, but she always seems to be stuck as the primary source of gossip. Her voice is a bit nervous but mostly super preppy.
(Overacting) "She has been attacked in the wasteland. Some say it’s fairies. Some say it’s spirits. Some say it’s the return of the hostile alien race who visited our fair planet one thousand years ago this midsummer..."
[Jenna's riff in THE PITIFUL CHILDREN]
OMGBRO, ANSWER MEWHOA, WAIT UNTIL I TELL YOU WHAT I HEARD!IT’S TOO FUCKED TO TYPETHIS SHIT IS RIPECALL BACK, I’LL YELL YOU EVERY WORD(Pause)OH MY GODOH MY GODOKSOAT THE END OF LAST NIGHT’S PARTYVERY END OF LAST NIGHT’S PARTYDID YOU SEE JENNA?SO, SHE’S BEHAVING HAZYLIKE A TWEAKIN’ JUNKYFLAILING CRAZYLIKE A FREAKIN’ MONKEYRIGHT, BUT SHE WASN’T DRUNK
YO! SHE WASN’T DRUNK
NO!BECAUSE I HEARD FROM MADELINE KROPPTHAT JENNA BARELY TOUCHED A DROPWHICH MEANS THAT YOU CAN’T BLAME THE THINGS SHE DID ON ALCOHOLIT’S JUST SO TERRIBLE, I DON’T WANT TO RELIVE IT ALL(You may keep going I don't care)
For all of these characters, I want you to sound like you think you're still young, but you're already 50% done with your life and you've done literally nothing.
(As SCARY STOCKBOY)"Just so we're clear: this is untested technology. And it's not exactly legal. Which is why you're paying for it with cash in the back of a shoe store. I take no responsibility for what you might do with it. Or what it might do with you."
MICHAELIS IN BIG BAD TROUBLE RIGHT NOWIT’S A TROUBLE THATHE CAN’T SEESO I GOTTA HELP HIM SOMEHOWI DON’T KNOW WHAT HE WANTSBUT I KNOW WHAT HE NEEDSHE’LL NEED A DAD SO STRONGTO HELP HIM NOT SLIP AWAYI HAVEN’T BEEN A DAD FOR SO LONGBUT I THINK I’M READY TODAYSITUATION IS GRAVENOW’S THE TIME TO BE BRAVEI’M GONNA FINALLY MAKE THAT CLIMBONE LEG AT A TIMEWHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODYYOU PUT YOUR PANTS ON FOR THEMWHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODYYOU TAKE A CHANCE JUST FOR THEMCHANCE JUST FOR THEMIF THE ROAD GETS MUDDYFOCUS ON THE GOAL ‘TILL THE ROUGH STUFF’S GONEWHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY YOU PUT YOUR PANTS ON
(As MR. REYES)"Oh, don’t worry about the color. It’s perfectly non-toxic. We don’t want a repeat of last year’s Arsenic and Old Lace debacle. It’s just plain old Mountain Dew! Also Chloe Rolan put these Wintergreen Tic-Tacs in the bottom."
